Daily Questions

Marriage and spiritual life generally do not go well together unless of course there is someone who shares the same aspiration and is willing to walk together on the same path supporting each other’s aspiration. This of course is the minimum though not yet enough. There should be meeting points in nature, common affinities that bring about a spontaneous understanding. At the same time there should be some complimentary aspects which enrich each other mutually. This is as far as marriage can go.

However in most cases the absorbing interest in fulfillment of vital desires as well as the time and energy needed just for maintaining the framework of the family life leaves little room and time for spiritual self-growth which demands a greater and greater one-pointedness. Up till a certain point, things may work and if a true understanding develops centered around the common aspiration then it may be fine. In such rare cases marriage may even be helpful. But more often than not there develops a contrary pull between the demands of a spiritual life and the constant pull towards the vital-material satisfactions of marital life. This is especially so when one partner is spiritually inclined while the other is not or is at best a religious type of person.

If the boy is spiritual then somehow this still works since given the societal framework women generally tend to accept and adapt and hence start moving in the direction of the husband. But the reverse rarely happens when a husband would accept and adapt to a woman’s higher spiritual aspirations. At best he may allow her to explore, even give her the freedom to practice her spiritual life as long as it does not come in the way of her societal and family duties. We can see this in the life a number of women such as Kayadhu, Mandodadri, Tara, Tulsi, Sulochana, Mira bai and many others. On the other hand, we see many women who readily follow in the steps of their husband, for good or for worse sometimes. They suffer and stifle but are not fully free to walk their way.

The result has been an undercurrent of unhappiness and hypocrisy and all kinds of falsehood that have crept in our life when one of the partners especially the woman has the spiritual inclination but the husband does not have it. That is why the institution of marriage is being broken and women are taking their freedom and following their way regardless of family’s approval. While it may be disconcerting for some who would want to maintain the old framework but its overall impact is going to be positive. It is the Divine Will that has broken the institution of marriage and one cannot reverse the clock now.

What one can do however is to reset the relationship. The institution of marriage as it existed earlier is now going away. It exists only for those who do not yet have the higher spiritual urge and are satisfied having children and leading a materially comfortable life fulfilling their outer dreams and ambitions. But those in whom the spiritual urge has awakened are tending to walk out of this institutionalised system of marriage more and more. Or else they are filling their life with artificial scentless flowers mistaking it to be the real one. Yet something can be done and it is resetting the clock. That is what is happening now. While the old institution of marriage now distorted and dated has been largely broken except for the still socially minded persons, a new form of togetherness, more plastic and truer is emerging. Its basis is not social approval but love, rather the truth of love. Its form is not a legal document but a living together of those men and women who have become conscious enough to honour their inner commitment and do not need any outer compulsion to remain steadfast in love. They live together and yet allow enough freedom and space for each one’s independent growth.

This new form of ‘marriage’ if we may say so is more conducive to spiritual growth where people come together and live if they feel drawn by the deeper bond of love. True initially, like any new experiment of nature this will bring in its own challenges and difficulties but as humanity evolves it will find the new way guided by an inner intuitive light. Until this happens the best form that a relation between man and woman who have been tied by the bond of custom and tradition is to live as good friends who care for each other and yet give the needed freedom to explore and discover their own truth, the truth of their life, their true goals including the truth of their love.

In any case it is best not to rush into marriage until both are clear about their life goals and also mature enough to understand what marriage means beyond the social and legal institution. It is the task of the elders, both teachers and parents, to educate the younger ones. Unfortunately, while we are taught every other subject this one is hardly taught to us and it is about love and relationship. The focus is almost exclusively on success and ambition but a most important dimension of success is human relationships and handling emotions. But that is a different and vast area which we can deal with some other time.

Loving regards
Alok bhai

PS: More directly, this is what Sri Aurobindo and the Mother wrote about marriage which I now reproduce below:

1.
D wrote a letter to M. a disciple, on 14-11-1924. It was meant to be read to Sri Aurobindo. D had requested Sri Aurobindo to give his views on marriage, particularly as he intended taking up the yoga in future. He wanted to know what attitude a person intending to take up the highest spiritual life should adopt towards marriage. D. admitted that he felt sex-attraction and did not want to resort merely to repression.

Sri Aurobindo : It is rather a delicate matter to answer. Perhaps the following points may be offered to him.

1. What is ordinarily known as sex-attraction is mainly a pull on the vital and physical planes between man and woman. This attraction, generally, gets mixed up with emotions and sentiments and is almost always mistaken for love, or psychic relation.

For those who want to give up life altogether – that is to say, for sannyasins etc. – marriage in the ordinary sense is out of the question. Because marriage is the one thing that strongly fixes down a person to life. Woman by nature has the strongest tendency to stick to life. She, generally, pulls down the man and fixes him to life. This is especially intended by nature for the continuance of the race and life.

2. Secondly, there is a meeting together of the psychic of the man and of the woman, – a union of soul with soul. This, of course, is difficult to get.
The first point refers to the ordinary life in the vital and the physical planes.

In the higher life there are two types, two gradations, of meeting of man and woman. One is the psychic union, the other is the spiritual.
The man of high idealism – the poet, the artist, has a developed psychic being. In the ordinary man, it is not developed. For a psychically developed man to get a woman of the right type is rather difficult. But if such a union could come about it would be a great help to both of them.

Disciple : But his question would be how to find out the right sort of woman for marriage.

Sri Aurobindo : There is no hard and fast rule in these things. It is all to be found out by an inner perception. It is not a science, it is an art.
Even when the union of the psychic takes place between the two, the other parts, the mental, the vital and the physical of one may clash with that of the other and the gain of the psychic being may be spoiled by this disharmony. But if the psychic being dominates in both then these difficulties may slowly clear up. The spiritual relation between man and woman is the most difficult to achieve. The man seeking the higher divine life, the seeker after divine Consciousness and the Truth – who is Purusha, – if he meets the woman of the right type, the woman who is his Shakti – then his spiritual life, the life which he is to manifest, is enriched and becomes full. In this case also there is the psychic union between the two.

In the case of those who have the psychic union of the proper kind to start with, the spiritual relation may gradually develop and manifest itself.
In the spiritual union the woman who is the Shakti must be really a Power – that is to say, a powerful personality who can receive the help from the Purusha in the proper way. Each must be of real help to the other: this relation is the most difficult to attain. These difficulties come to the Sadhaka. To the Siddha, the perfected soul, there is no difficulty. He knows fully well what is to be manifested. If his Shakti is there he knows where she is and he will get her.

Disciple : Suppose a person aspiring for spiritual life marries what would happen to him?

Sri Aurobindo : If such a man marries three things might happen :
If it is an ordinary marriage he may be pulled down to the lower level of consciousness, apart from the cares, anxieties and responsibilities he may be burdened with. In that case he may lose his aspiration for the higher life and may be completely changed on account of the woman’s influence on him.
He may be spiritually ruined altogether by the marriage.

Or if he gets the woman of the right type it may be a great help to him.
You can write to D. that Sri Aurobindo does not believe in marriage as it exists at present in society and as an institution. He does not ask a person to marry or not to marry; it is left entirely to the person concerned.
For a person who aspires for some kind of higher life it is common, especially for those who have a strong vital being, to have a tendency for vital enjoyment, and vital relation with a woman. Sri Aurobindo has no objection to this as an experience and perception. Only, in a Yogi’s life these have to be transformed into the movements of the Higher Nature.

*

From the Mother’s letter of March 1933 [CWM 14: 291]:
To unite your physical lives, your material interests, to become partners in order to face together the difficulties and successes, the defeats and victories of life—that is the very foundation of marriage, but you already know that it is not enough.

To be united in your sensations, to have the same aesthetic tastes and enjoyments, to be moved in common by the same things, one through the other and one for the other—that is good, that is necessary, but it is not enough.
To be one in your deeper feelings, to keep a mutual affection and tenderness that never vary in spite of all the blows of life and can withstand every weariness and irritation and disappointment, to be always and on every occasion happy, extremely happy, to be together, to find in every circumstance tranquillity, peace and joy in each other—that is good, that is very good, that is indispensable, but it is not enough.

To unite your minds, to harmonise your thoughts and make them complementary, to share your intellectual preoccupations and discoveries; in short, to make your sphere of mental activity identical through a widening and enrichment acquired by both at once—that is good, that is absolutely necessary, but it is not enough.

Beyond all that, in the depths, at the centre, at the summit of the being, there is a Supreme Truth of being, an Eternal Light, independent of all the circumstances of birth, country, environment, education; That is the origin, cause and master of our spiritual development; it is That which gives a permanent direction to our lives; it is That which determines our destinies; it is in the consciousness of That that you must unite. To be one in aspiration and ascension, to move forward at the same pace on the same spiritual path, that is the secret of a lasting union.

*

From the Mothers’ conversation with a disciple on July 21, 1960:
(disciple) In reference to the view of some modern social thinkers expressing fear of the possible breakdown and disappearance of the family system, You have remarked that this breakdown “was, and is still, an indispensable movement to bring humanity to a higher and broader realisation”. This raises some important questions which I state below for Your clarification:

Q1. Do You consider this dissolution of the family system indispensable only for the few exceptional individuals who follow some high mental or spiritual ideal or also for the general humanity?

A: Yes, only for the few exceptional individuals who follow some high mental or spiritual ideal.

Q2. If You advocate a complete dissolution of the family system for the entire humanity, do You consider it advisable for it to happen even before the new process of birth by direct materialisation has been normalised on earth?

A: More liberty and plasticity in the system are advisable. Fixed rules are harmful to evolution.

Q3. Do You also consider the abolition of the marriage system as equally indispensable as the abolition of the family system for the higher development of humanity? So long as the new process of birth has not been normalised, would not the present manner of sexual procreation continue? In that case, would not some form of marriage relationship be necessary?

A: Marriage will always take place, but legal ceremonies must not be enforced, to avoid illegality.

Q: You don’t tell everything about the Asura’s world-game? Why don’t you go into details so that we are able  to distinguish the difference between the truth of the Divine and the lies of the Aura?

ALOKDA: My own take on all this business of the Asura is very simple. The Asura is there no doubt but for us it is much more important to remember that the Divine is there and He is the Lord who will have the final say. If the Asura and his ilk seem to temporarily win or succeed it is only a prelude to a greater divine Victory that is waiting round the corner. Besides isn’t he and his type also part of the grand plan needed for hastening earth’s evolution?

As long as we live in duality we are always surrounded with uncertainties with fear and anxiety and suspicion drawing upon our energies. Is not this undue and excessive fear and suspicion and anxiety itself a weapon of the Asura through which he terrorises man stealing hope and faith from his soul? But as we begin to live in the true spiritual consciousness we see the One playing with all things and everywhere and in various masks, even the most seemingly contrary ones. After all it is His creation and if He has placed the Asura somewhere in the play there must be a deeper Wisdom in this too.

Vigilance against the Asura’s intrusion in our lives is one thing and growing suspicious and paranoid and depressed is quite another. If anything, these are the signs that the fellow is near us. Pessimism especially is the tail of the Devil refusing to leave. What we have to instead remember and focus upon is that the Divine is there and here and everywhere and near and within and around us. With Him being at the helm of affairs everything is eventually safe. He and not our puny human thoughts are the bedrock of safety. Has He not intervened always when the mindless Asura was at his cruelest best and changed the course of history.

Ravana and Kansa and Judas and now Hitler and his tribe have come and gone but it is Rama and Krishna and Christ and Sri Aurobindo who continue to inspire man. So let us leave the Asura aside and being full of faith do what we can to grow closer in identity with the Divine. That is our main job and if we can even attempt it with sincerity then there will be no more need of any Asura to spur our evolution.

Love
alok

Q: When The Divine Mother takes charge of our whole being, which things are being done by the parts of being without choice? Or saying it differently, please give examples how mind thinks and heart reacts when The Mother has taken charge of the parts of the being.

ALOKDA: In terms of the Yoga philosophy and psychology, man has a double nature.

The first is what he naturally inherits due to his evolutionary animal past. It is what we are today. It is referred to as the ignorant lower nature.  It includes not only food, sleep, sex but also all our present normal thoughts, feelings, will, actions driven by ego and desire and its attendant fear, ambition, lust, anger etc.

The second is what he is being prepared for by the Divine. We can call it the Higher Divine Supernature.  It is moved by the Divine Force instead of desire.

As ego self is replaced by the psychic being, the human nature is transformed into the Divine Nature, where it is always a self-existent peace and joy not dependent upon any outer condition, the heart is full of sweetness and universal love that does not expect anything in return since it receives everything from the Divine, the life energy is strong, healthy, luminous, pure, the mind receives knowledge directly from the Divine Source of all knowledge through faculties of inspiration, intuition, revelation. Even the body begins to change in terms of renewal of energy, overcoming fatigue, the power to reject illness and get cured quickly, slow and delay the ageing process.

Q: Bhaya, I have one question – why are you doing this yoga and how have you chosen this path?

ALOKDA: It is not we who chose the Path as much as the Path, or the Goal and the Master who chooses us. But I understand your question since so does it appear from our side as if we are choosing it. The truth of the matter however is that I was not really seeking anything at the time that Sri Aurobindo entered my life or rather took me into His vast infinite life. I was an agnostic since whatever I had read about God and all other philosophies, I could not find my answers in them. I had few experiences also but not sure of what it meant I simply let them slip into some corner of my memory.

My search was for the ultimate meaning of life like many others I suppose. Living life as others do seeking success, fulfilling ambitions, accumulating money and all those things that one normally enjoys and lives for did not attract me. Besides it seemed such a selfish thing to live for, so small and little. Then there was the alternative of spiritual life. But that too seemed selfish since everyone spoke about personal mukti and nirvana or having some kind of bliss or experience by certain practices. All this did not answer my questions about the reason for suffering in this world. It moved me deeply but the standard answer of the karmic theory seemed incomplete. Therefore, having searched whatever I could, I became an Agnostic and thought that best to be a good human being and a good doctor so that I could help those who are suffering. But without any stable Permanent Reality it also seemed a vain thing.

Well it was during this phase that Sri Aurobindo drew me to His heart and I found Him, or rather literally walked into Him in a busy Delhi street, one winter afternoon when I entered a bookstore. There He was in His word body speaking His first phrase to me like a mantra of initiation written in the first page of the book that I opened. He wrote ‘All Life is Yoga.’ Something clicked instantly, like a revelation and I knew I was home. His name kept vibrating lie some heavenly rhythm in my heart and the whole evening, in fact the next two days I was as if in an ecstasy forgetting everything else except to pore through the pages of the heavenly script. It was love at first or shall I say first word. All else that happened was contained in that single phrase whose full meaning and impact is still unfolding before me, – ‘All Life is Yoga’. There was then no calculation, no weighing of options, no looking at advantages and disadvantages, no consideration of difficulties and dangers. In fact there was no option, but to accept all that He said as true, to aspire for what He wanted us to be, to surrender to the New Vision that opened before my soul.

Later the Mother revealed Herself to me and that completely sealed it if there was any other thought ever at all. Once She came or rather drew me to Her then all considerations and questions about the path, the goal everything was gone. Only She remained, at the center and circumference of life, to serve Her and love Her the only joy and purpose of existence.

Affectionately
Alok bhaiyya

Q: When an individual is suffering from his childhood – what can be the reasons behind it, and how and when these difficulties will come to an end?

ALOKDA: A very good question. To understand this we have to understand the field and the knower of the field. The field is the whole gamut and play of forces that comprises the world existence, more specifically the earth nature into which the soul enters. This rendezvous of soul and nature is a win-win situation for both if we see it in the larger perspective for each time nature comes in contact with the soul it receives an impetus to progress and evolve towards Light and Beauty. As to the soul it feels the burden of nature as a load but as it passes from life to life the soul grows stronger until one day it becomes her Lord.

In the first few lives the soul is like a slave held captive to Nature as in a prison. But as it grows it becomes more and more its master and lord. In the first few lives the soul is as if dragged helplessly by the forces of nature. During this phase when the soul is developing out of its infancy towards adulthood it may try unusual things such as take a leap cutting through layers of darkness and even go through a hell of outer suffering to hasten the purifying ordeal. Finally, it is out of the dense dark fields and enters a quieter zone, progressively moving towards freedom away from the school of ignorance and the law of suffering.

Q: I’ve heard people repeating the Mother’s words “The Mother’s protection is with me, nothing bad can happen” even while harming others intentionally. Does it really protect the person even when one says this from one’s ego? How does it work?

ALOKDA: To expect that the Divine will protect someone consciously engaging in evil is in itself a contradiction. Sri Aurobindo has clearly said that there are conditions required to open to the Divine Help such as faith, sincerity and surrender. There is of course such a thing as unconditional protection but it is extremely rare and given only under very special conditions for a very special purpose. Otherwise, no sadhana would be needed. One has to simply say and things will be done magically regardless of the person’s inner state. Well sometimes it can happen but this cannot be made a rule of life or a law of spiritual living.

However we may add that the words of Sri Aurobindo has the power in it to fulfill its promise, the promise of the Divine to man that if he sincerely calls for His help and seeks His Protection, even in His thoughts with faith and trust then regardless of his past, however dark it may be and his present, however evil it may be, the Grace does come and intervene and changes the fixed course of destiny. Not only does it protect him from the hostility around but also from himself and opens the doors for redemption by the Grace. It is similar to the great word of the Gita, the eternal promise of the Godhead in man, his eternal friend and lover, – sarvadharmaparityajya mamekamsharanam vraja. Aham tva sarvapapebhyo mokshisiyami ma suchhah, abandon all dharmas and take refuge in Me Alone, I will deliver thee from all fear and evil, do not grieve.

Q: The old consciousness plays old tricks, and knowing about this yoga while still unable to fully follow it quadruples the guilt – what to do?

ALOKDA: Guilt is the result of the action of adverse forces that make our difficulties seem insurmountable as if there was anything really impossible for the Grace. Where human efforts fail, there a new journey begins. It is the journey of Divine Love, of Divine Grace. It is understood and Sri Aurobindo has very clearly said so that no human power or tapasya can accomplish the change envisaged by the Integral Yoga except the Divine Mother and Her illimitable Grace. But one has to endure the process with faith and complete trust in the Divine and to go on rising up a thousand times or more if need be. The journey is never smooth or easy. But every fall leaves us somewhat stronger and wiser and if we keep the will for progress intact then one day we rise never to fall again. Meanwhile each little step, however small and sometimes even however paradoxical it may seem is a step towards the Goal.

Q: Does physical immortality mean imprisonment in a single form? To me this would be a nonsense.

ALOKDA: Physical immortality surely does not mean a fresh imprisonment into one particular form. The supramental being will be free to leave aside the body and switch over to another without any loss of consciousness as happens now following the process of death. In all likelihood it would have found the occult means to create a new body for itself and switch over to it. This is the general drift.

However there is another aspect of physical immortality that we need to understand. Nonsense or not it is only when we are able to not only prolong life at will, to keep the body free from all disease and disintegration and eventually help it to escape from the law of death can we say that there is a complete conquest over all the forces of darkness that right now govern material existence. Once this conquest is established then the rest is a matter of method and means that the New Being will use.

However if the conquest over all the material forces that weave our bodily life are not conquered then whatever process we may use will remain precarious since earthly body will remain susceptible to death. It will be in that case a partial and incomplete victory. Or else we will have to rest content with a partially supramentalised body, like the ethereal body that does not decay in certain tantric traditions notably the chinmaya body that Vaishnavas speak of or the body of Light. That however is different from the supramental body which will the sign of the complete conquest of the Divine over matter using our humanity as a fulcrum.

There are two views about what constitutes a vegetarian diet. One view which is rather extreme excludes not only eggs but also milk because they are regarded as animal product. A further extreme form excludes even tubers and roots since they are regarded as living as they continue to grow giving rise to many more. Obviously, this view takes its stand upon non-injury to any living form. It is more like a moral principle that is often arbitrary and based on a limited understanding of life itself. From the spiritual perspective life is everywhere even in the atoms and stone.

If we take the consciousness perspective which is more complete and based on fundamental truth of creation, then taking eggs and of course milk is perfectly fine, especially since unfertilized eggs are invariably vegetarian.