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At the Feet of The Mother

My Diary-Leaves – by K.S. Venkataraman


August 13

Recently S. Doraiswamy gave a copy of Uma Sahasram for Sri Aurobindo’s perusal who seemed to have deeply appreciated it. And the Mother expressed on her own: “If Ganapati Sastri is inclined to come for the August 15th Darshan he is welcome.” It was communicated to Nayana[1] at Tiruvannamalai. Sri Ramana seems to have said ‘When this suggestion by the Mother came unsought by Nayana, it must be a Daiva Sankalpam.’


August 15

Sri Aurobindo’s birthday celebration on the Ashram — and all of us had the privilege of Darshan of the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. Nayana, though pessimistic at first, after he had the actual Darshan, expressed “O, divya murtulu — O, Divine Personalities!” so much so, he stayed on till September 1st.


August 16

Nayana’s interview with the Mother for 30 minutes. They meditated together; Nayana felt spiritual current passing into him from all directions. Later on the Mother said to S. Doraiswamy: “He is the one man who immediately entered into my spiritual Consciousness and stuck to it to the end.”


August 19

Nayana’s second interview with the Mother for 45 minutes. He recited verses composed on the Mother. Talked of present Avatara. The Mother got into trance. Nayana perceived light passing through her toe and then a glowing halo around her entire being, the whole atmosphere surcharged with divine current.


October 6

Interview with the Mother — 4 to 4.30 p.m.

Spoke about my restlessness at soup time for at least 3 days.

Mother: It is due to the power operating.

I: Lot of colour visions.

Mother: It is very interesting.

I: Occasional sensation between the eyebrows.

Mother: I see that centre is opening.


November 8

Received a copy of Sri Aurobindo’s message to the sadhaks. Went to bed at 12 midnight after copying out the message. Felt a wonderful tremor in the entire being, every atom of it, as if several batteries were at once operating.



June 6

Wonderful experience while doing pranam to the Mother at soup time: flashes of light exactly circular like sun were seen between the eyebrows.


August 9

Fell from the Champak tree in my garden when trying to pluck moon flower creeping on the tree. Bedridden.


August 15

Missed the great Darshan. The Mother was kind enough to visit me twice while in bed with bad leg.



March 29

The Mother sent word through Nolini at 9 p.m. after soup and meditation: While pouring me soup at 8.15 p.m. she saw in her vision a snake between my room and the garden — “Ask Venkataraman to be careful, it is a nasty creature, it may be real or symbolic”.


July 22

Mother communicates through Sahana: “Venkataraman has a very beautiful voice.”



January 16

The Mother’s most interesting conversation with Dilip on Nirvikalpa Samadhi and her going out of the body experiencing actual death once as a consequence — which it seems was necessary for her own fulfilment — and as prophesied by sages — her resuscitation and revival etc.


March 7

On a motor car drive with the Mother — self, Nolini, Pavitra, Chadwick, Dilip, Sahana — after 6 miles, walked into a mango garden. Sat. The subject for meditation was “Pre-destination”. The Mother explained what it means in a few words: Those that are predestined, however ordinary and common they may appear for the time being, are sure of Divine Realisation and so the contrary.


March 15

Evening drive with the Mother. Sat on the bank of a beautiful pond for nearly an hour. Meditated long. The Mother gave her first impression on landing in India as to how even the poor, the lowly and the uncultured man in India was nearer Divinity in nature unlike those of similar class in Europe who were positively ugly and repulsive (with reference to their inner being). She related one of her early experiences at Pondicherry when she was residing in a house in Rue Dupleix. As she was walking in meditation, suddenly through a cut piece of blue glass, stuck on the walls, she actually saw the Himalayas with all its greenness and grandeur, nay, experienced even its coolness.


April 10

Extraordinary and celestial charm and beauty shone in the Mother’s face as she was distributing flowers after soup — such youth, such grace, such that I never saw before. Such perfection! It is indescribable. I drank of the cup of ambrosia which her face presented, to my fill — not content yet. O Mother, who art Thou?


June 7

Evening drive with the Mother to the mango garden. She gave us an extremely interesting and inspiring talk of her life since as a child of 5 or 6. Born in a rich family, surrounded by wealth and luxury, she used to sit on a very low chair, observe something almost touching the entire head (hovering about it, so to speak). Light and Force powerfully seen and felt. It continued all the time increasing in strength and size. She very much wished the thing to descend on her and she tried to have it by specialising in music — vocal and piano — by painting and by science — but all these did not help much to the purpose. She studied in what is called a ‘Cours’ in France, meant for the rich only — not more than 20 in number where eminent professors came and in all the examinations she was always first in the class. One day in 1906 when she went to paint in the room of a comrade N. this comrade in the course of a talk of his brother (by the way he was a Cosmic and a disciple of Theon of Algeria) related of things occult, and this accident put her at once into communion with the Universal and she realised herself, was able to know all her past births, that she had descended into this world for bringing down a Higher Light. She had communion with numberless beings of the Higher Worlds and she knew of the Supreme and that in India. However, she could not be absolutely sure until she came to India and saw Sri Aurobindo. The moment she saw him she at once recognised him for what he was and that he was the incarnation.



July 23

Long interview with the Mother. When I asked about my progress, she said: “Cease this asking about progress — feel the Divine everywhere and in everything — first feel it within yourself, i.e. whatever you do, you think, you talk, you act is all from the Divine — that you are an integral part of the Divine — strengthen your consecration to the Divine and perfect it and there will be no need for concerning yourself about progress. Establish equanimity and don’t feel insulted, for who can insult the Divine?”


December 19

The unexpected blow caused by my indiscretion. Obviously it was so serious that it upset me very seriously and I almost felt like committing suicide. I wrote to the Mother my wretched state of mind and begged her to take up my soul afresh after suicide and shape it to higher life from the start.


December 21

Sri Aurobindo’s reply to the above:

“It seems to me an excessive reaction considering that all that is in question is some habitual movements of the external being which do not affect the inner realisation.

These external habits have to be changed, but you can do it quietly without allowing their presence to throw you into despondency and despair. It is best done by detaching yourself from them and calling in the Mother’s Force to act there and spread the deeper realisation into the outward parts. Your reasoning about violently getting rid of the body in order to get a better one hereafter is entirely wrong. For when one throws away the present life in that way instead of facing its difficulties one not only gets into blacker difficulties after death but in the next life all becomes not better but worse — an inferior embodiment with all the former difficulty from which you fled renewed with less favourable circumstances. There is no way out there. Instead of indulging such feelings, you should put them away from you and turn to the Mother’s Grace which has not failed and which is not going to fail you for strength and succour. Recover your balance and develop the psychic progress you were already making so rapidly up to now.”



January 28

Interview with the Mother. The main advice she gave me was to use my tongue carefully, that is, not to be indiscreet. She finds my progress satisfactory — is not in favour of my practising Hatha Yoga which I was seriously attempting.


May 31

Evening went to sea bath with Nirod and Purani — got into great danger due to terrible waves and treacherous undercurrent. Almost gave up hopes, cried to the Mother, all of us escaped from fatal end.

[1] ‘Nayana’ means father in Telugu. That is how Vasishtha Ganapati Muni was addressed by his devotees and admirers.

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