Optimism fades with age, and some remain unaware of others' suffering, as seen in those who never experience hardship.
At the Feet of The Mother
TE 502 Realising the Supermind-The Summit of Sri Aurobindo’s Sadhana
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Night is a shadow and not some original Truth. That is why it has not the ultimate absolute Power.
I see you have let the demons of self-doubt and doubt in general and melancholy get inside again and sit down at your table.